the bigger the struggle; the bigger the peace.
the only way to change the world is to change their minds.
there’s people i know that have the freedom and all the fuckin time in the world but ain’t got NO ambition whatsoever to do something. y’all bug the fuck out of me.
usually if i put way too much thought into it; i’ll end up talking myself out of it.
your perspective is your style; remember that.
in a bit of a free fall right now; somethings gotta give.
never lose sight.
i think it’s important that we all take a little bit of time for ourselves. hardest part is convincing yourself that it’s okay to be selfish for just a little bit; especially with wife and kids and a fuck load of things to be responsible for.
it used to be okay to copy someone’s work for the sake of learning and better your own process. social media wasn’t such a heavy driver then so to many, copying was just that; as a way to learn. nowadays, people are copying for the sake of gaining followers and likes and it really gets under my skin.
no longer trying to keep up
i’m trying to dig deep
people who don’t have kids for themselves 100% of the time won’t understand what it’s like... for example, one huge thing is that when you become a parent, you’re way of thinking, decision making and intuition is completely different than as of someone who doesn’t have kids. something just flips and all the sudden, everything you do is a bit more calculated in consideration of your dependents; your family. even if you were the biggest risk-taker before, the game changes when you have kids... big time. one thing i know for a fact that has changed about me in the last few years is that i really don’t give a fuck anymore. all i care about is providing for my family and making sure they are happy.. all the other noise is simply just noise.
it was around 8:00am when I was driving laps around the valley when I got stopped by a ranger who had told me that the road ahead was temporarily closed due to tree blockage. told me that the wait will be around 20-45 minutes so instead of just waiting there, I ended up just driving into some side road to explore a bit and it seems as if I have discovered Narnia.
fuji superia 400
for the past few years now, i’ve been wanting to visit Yosemite during the winter. the opportunity just never arose so I never got around to it until this past week. my wife had told me that for this new year, she wanted me to try and take a trip for myself at least once a month and that was honestly one of the sweetest things she has ever said to me lol. there was a party of me that really missed going out, exploring and shooting. I had made the decision when my daughter was born, that I would put up traveling for a while and I had already accepted that I won’t be traveling anywhere, anytime soon. but what I had not considered was just how much I needed to do this for myself. being a parent, your life becomes so routine and repetitive. just doing the same thing over and over again and it really started taking a toll on me without really realizing it. I had decided that I really wanted to take this quick over night trip to Yosemite by myself to really just decompress and just be in my own thoughts. I can’t stress at just how important that is, especially for anyone that is on a creative path. even though I had entered a fuckin snowstorm in Yosemite and the drive was super sketch since the roads were completely non-existent cause of how much snow there was, I was still in a state of zen. life can get so fuckin chaotic and busy beyond belief, that when you are put in a situation where you really don’t have to do anything, you’re just like… holy shit. that holy shit moment came when I had finally got into Yosemite at 3am and found a spot to park and call it home for the night. I had opened up the trunk hatch, and just sat in the trunk looking out into nothing. it was damn near total black, but I could faintly see snow covered trees and mountains in the back with the snow coming down heavy.. it was so fuckin peaceful I tell you. even with tree branches snapping around me and I would piss myself a little every time, but i still was able to just zone tf out.
you know, when my daughter was born, my life literally turned upside. you would think that when a life event happens as huge as having a child; the drastic change would be something difficult to adjust but that wasn’t necessarily the case for me. being a dad has always been something that I knew I wanted to be, even when I was like a kid or teen.. I always knew that I wanted to become a dad so im assuming this is why the transition was so seamless, so natural. there are so many things that just became second-nature to me.
This isn’t something I can really put into words or explain to anyone, I don’t think anyone really can comprehend what this feeling is like unless you have kids.. but not just having kids, but to have the desire be a parent. I was listening to Joe Rogan’s podcast with guest Travis Barker and he had mentioned that, the second he became a father, there was a switch that just flipped; everything changed. this was the most honest and really, the best way to put it.
120 kodak portra 400
being a father; you learn a love that you never knew existed and you also learn that there is a whole new level of sacrifice that you never knew existed.
120 kodak tmax 400
I remember debating hard on whether I should’ve taken my medium format with me to New York. packing that means I had to add another what feels like 5 fuckin tons to my-already heavy af camera bag. really didn’t want to be but also didn’t want to regret it if I hadn’t so… I brought it. my bronica etrs-i and a bunch of 120 film, and my waist level prism.. all which took up basically half my bag. on one of the days there, I decided I wanted to shoot that day on 120.. so I got load up a roll, and when I go to fire off my first shot, realized my light meter battery was dead. welp.. I wasn’t about to go around metering every shot on my phone and risking missed metered shots so I basically brought a couple of bricks in my bag. well, I managed to get 1 exposure out the balcony of my hotel looking at the New York skyline just guessing the meter. nailed it.
120 kodak tmax 400
my perspective on life can sometimes be the most contradictory shit ever. there’s times where i’m so goal oriented and driven to make moves and then there’s time where i get sucked into reading shit by the Dalai Lama and i’m fuckin just all about PEACE and compassion. it’s hard to find the perfect balance between the 2.. its like.. you have to be selfish in order to want to take care of yourself but then i have a wife and 2 kids so i have to be selfless and make sacrifices for the good and happiness of them. so wtf.. ? is there even such a place where the 2 align?
fuji natura 1600
one question I get a lot is how do I get the borders around my scans.. and it drives me nuts that people don’t just hop on google and search it. I mean, im not gonna be a dick a ignore the questions but shit, it takes up a ton of unnecessary effort on my end to explain it.. when you can literally just type that question into google and you will find the answers. that information you’re seeking; lives on the internet. like you can access it right now.. like right now, right now. lots of people ask where I get the border, as if its like some app I use… but its not an app (which im sure there probably is one that exists.. theres an app for fucking everything these days).. its not photoshopped either (which can be done of course).. but this is how I actually scan it, with the rebate. sure, you can achieve the same look when you create it in post but being that I shoot and scan it myself, having the frame number on the shot means much more to me. like.. this shot on frame number 9 of kodak gold 200. that means os much more to me than a generic script from a app or photoshopping a pre-made rebate template.
gold 200 | bessa r4m